because falling in love is overrated and i’m drinking craft beer in my lingerie, accompanied with a forever21 coat, freezing my ass off.

It’s okay not to know how to handle your own heart, you should be afraid of it. it roars, it shifts, it changes direction… it does all these powerful things and still, it fits in one hand and shatters the moment someone you love let’s it slip away. – r.m. drake

i need to type out some emotions – because we’re all human and maybe you can relate.

I hate love but I love, love so much.- I hate it most when I want to embrace and embody the true essence of it.. why is that? I’ve been in love before.. My first love is engaged (obviously not to me ha!) and the most recent person I was in love with, broke my heart completely – he broke it so much, that its still not even mended back together.. I just put a brick wall up and said to hell with it.

When will I put it back together? Who knows.. Honestly, I almost like who I am more when I’m not with someone. Even though I know exactly who I am and continue to learn about my purpose, I get lost in my thoughts when I think about my heart, emotions and what makes me feel so deeply, loved. I can control anything in my life but not the affairs of my heart. It wants what it wants – to be loved is a gift and one should not feel sorrow for loving.

I’m not in a rush to get married, have children and do all that shit.. But as much as I love experiencing life with my friends and family, I want to experience raw, original, and authentic love with the person I’m aimed to be with – for the rest of my life. I want to fight for someone as much as they want to fight for me. I want to experience hardships with someone who is capable of bringing me back up with just their touch and warmth. I want to gain moments of laughter and success with someone who is grateful of the substance those very seconds hold. And as I continue to meet/date new guys, it saddens me because that reality is still far beyond me.

I’ve been through some very hard times during my 24 years of life and unfortunately, I know there will be more along the way.. but heartbreak has been the one thing that I can’t seem to find a resolution for. It’s almost like digging a hole – we dig and shovel out the dirt to the side, until we get deep enough thats satisfying (sounds so dirty). Life is what we keep digging for and the dirt is being shoveled on top of the setbacks (ie. heartbreaks) – never really mending the hurt or suffering. I feel like a huge rain storm came by and made all that dirt wash away from my heartbreak and back into the hole.

and no matter how bad it hurts, some people leave to make you stronger, while other times they leave to help you fall in love with yourself. – r.m. drake

Amanda

xx