fuck it.

fuck trying to understand any of this. “you’re an amazing woman.. I just wasn’t ready for someone like you and you deserve the best”… so0o0o0o0o, according to all of these wonderful boys/men I’ve dated/seen, (does it really make a difference calling them boy vs man? b/c I’ve been told since i was a little girl, that boys don’t really become men till their late 40s, but obviously we have a president who is a little bitch boy and many other old ass “men” who show boy like tendencies…. so they really don’t grow up eh?) I’ve been amazing/the creme del a creme since I was 17.. (I’m literally laughing out loud right now, b/c this excuse is worse than a dry spell). I quickly learned after my third boyfriend (who shortly dumped me after moving states away when he reassured me that we’d make the distance work… **literally still laughing out loud) that i needed to do some soul searching and learn to love my solitude.

At an early age, my grandma gifted my cousin and me with a serious piece of advice, that we needed to experience as much as possible before settling down with one man… “experience“ – catch my drift? (my mother is going to kill me for airing this.. love u mom). To be honest, experimenting wasn’t my forte.. i like investing my love, time and commitment with one person.. at least i thought i did. Until my heart was broken numerous times and was constantly let down.. over and over again. I’ve tried being continuously sassy, a lover, always needy, sometimes confusing, etc., etc., etc.. – but despite those things.. i’ve always been myself… which i know can be overwhelming for the wrong person.. and its been the wrong person, every single time….Why am i surprised when i find this out?!? (** literally laughing out load again)… Fuck man, this shit is so exhausting.

Sorry not sorry – i’ve had a few drinks and i’m confused.. because i have all these feelings and shit, but no one to shower with my love and affection..

Everyone has their story. Everyone has been through their personal downfalls. Most people have felt heartbreak and loss.. and i think the reason why i feel so much and have an abundant amount of love, is because i’ve experienced heartbreak.. crushing heartbreak.. where the pieces are almost impossible to mend back together. And I’m so proud of myself for getting to where i am now – but these guys won’t know that unless they take the chance and dive right into my heart and house themselves there for awhile, if not forever…. without hesitation.

thankfully, i have no bad blood with any of my past relationships.

each of them served a purpose.

but luckily for me, i didn’t lose or miss out on anything – they did 🙂

XOXO

 

p.s. – if you don’t have a grandma like mine, i give you permission to take her advice.